Tuesday, October 23, 2012

(IMO) Top 6 reasons most cyclists are douchebags

Top 6 reasons most cyclists are douchebags.

In no particular order...

Reason 1 - Say "Hi" back you rude bastard.
As a runner I frequent the same quiet country roads as countless road cyclists.  As a runner I welcome the company and always gesture an obvious hello as well as a verbal one.  Rarely do cyclists return the courtesy.  Rarely do they even release the grip on their handlebars and open out a hand to even acknowledge my existence.  Generally they just continue to stare blankly ahead, their minds entirely committed to being up their own asses or the ass of the guy riding in front of them.

Reason 2 - Leg hair
Are you kidding me you shave your legs?  There isn't a valid reason for this so don't try and make one up.  It helps wounds heal?  Probably, but a little bit of 'once in a blue moon road rash' isn't justification to look like a tool 365 days of the year.  Don't even begin to start with drag coefficients.  You're not pushing 80kph, you're barely breaking 30.  Harden up peach.

Reason 3 - Accessorize
Road cyclists are out there for the same reasons I am, to burn calories and get fitter/stronger/faster. If I want to push myself I run harder or faster or seek out hills in exactly the same manor as a cyclist would seeking a similar result.  Why then do I not wear a swoopy helmet, wrap around sunglasses, skin tight clothing, gloves that go all the way up my arm, and best of all, socks that go on the outside of my shoes?  Shorts, a t-shirt and some haggard old shoes now brown and torn beyond recognition.  These are the things I need to go for a run and the rare occasions I dust off my bike, these too are the things I need to go for a ride.

Don't even get me started on the difference in weight between one set of pedals and another.  You could lose more weight with a satisfying burp than you can changing bike parts.  "It all adds up".  Sure it does but the fact that you're moving an object along a horizontal plane made nearly frictionless by 2 massive wheels means it adds up then gets divided by 0.  Take a dump before your next ride and save yourself $10,000

Reason 4 - Gear Nazi's
Even cyclists themselves complain about this one.  Judging each other by the cost of their addiction is like one junkie spending twice as much for their point of coke because it kills just a few more brain cells.  One of the best feelings in the world is peeling past someone that has shelled out several thousand on the very latest carbon fibre fluff.  Made even more rewarding by the fact I'll do it wearing some ripped boardies and a stack hat akin to a freestyle bmxer.  Judge me by my crappy bike and unconventional outfit as you watch me disappear down the road in front of you.

Reason 5 - Cappuccino and a blueberry muffin
Whether you've ridden 20km or 200, you don't need to stop in at a cafe part way through your exercise for cakes and coffee.  You have a mobile food trolley that could potentially feed an african nation.  There's a pocket in the back of your shirt with space for a bagel and about 4 drink holders with ample room for a thermos of harden-the-fuck-up.  I've burned over 30,000Kj in ONE run and carried everything I needed to get it done.  You're not too cool for a backpack or a wicker basket, you just think you are.

Reason 6 - I was only cheating because everyone else was.
That's not an excuse.  If you didn't like it you wouldn't have done it.  No one held you down and put the needle in your arm.  Just say no.  Your ego didn't need the glory more than your conscious needed to be ignored.  You're not just cheating yourself, you're cheating everyone that believes in you.


  1. This is hilarious. My response:
    1 I agree, but don't have the same issue, perhaps you need to get out of Hamilton.
    2 I shave my legs because it feels good.
    3&4 How many pairs of running shoes do you have? I don't judge by cost, just by the rules, it isn't expensive to make sure your helmet doesn't have a visor, and that your handle bars are below the level of your seat.
    5 There is a rule about backpacks, but I agree that you don't need to stop for food and coffee, refer rule #5, harden the f#%k up.
    6 I agree, boot them all out.

  2. This is one of the most uneducated, closed-minded and conceited articles I've ever seen. Luckily, I'm not going to generalize, assume and stereotype as you have done and will still maintain that runners are cool people for which I have a great respect. You, however, I have no respect for.

    1. I couldn't agree more. The article's obviously written by someone who knows stuff-all about cycling.

  3. Wow. You're a big fan of generalizing, aren't you? I used to run, but because of injuries no longer can. Now I cycle. I'm one of those cyclists you pigeonhole into a group. There is a wonderful sense of community with cycling, which I've only just discovered. I found running to be a solitary pursuit, which I loved, but on Sundays when I cycle with friends I find myself surrounded by good people who share the love of a bicycle. We ride a few hours to the cafe, and sit down and have coffee and cake and chat about our common love of cycling.
    There are nasty cyclists out there, I know, but we don't all deserve the snark you're putting out. I recognize runners as doing what they love, no matter what they're wearing, how fast or slow they're going, or if they wave back or not. We're all in this together.

  4. I am new to cycling and have noticed what you mentioned. Which is how I found your article by googling "cyclists are douchebags"

    If you wanna know how accurate your statements on a blog are you know you got it when the comments are full of "Oh so we are ALL like that?" No one who is an elitist tool thinks they are.

  5. All the cyclists crying in the comments are a bunch of whiny offended crybabies. lol.

  6. All the cyclists crying in the comments are a bunch of whiny offended crybabies. lol.

  7. Hahaha so true. I love reading the comments of grown men defending shaving their legs! Nothing worse than douchebag cyclists in the middle of the road holding up traffic in a retarded spandex outfit.